It's a process. You can't fight it. Just let the emotions flow. It's not pretty but penting it up would be worse in the long run. My walls look like swiss cheese but I've started to repair them now that the anger has subsided. Though I'm embarrassed that I let loose like I did, I'm grateful I let all of the angst out so early. I'm finding some peace, but still dealing with the day to day voids that hit me like a sledge hammer. My husband and I shared many things but we led our individual lives. The day to day activity we shared is definitely missing in my life now, sharing dinner and those evening chats are a hole I won't fill any time soon.
I miss him, I'm angry at him for leaving, I feel guilt though there was nothing I could do. He couldn't have stopped the cancer as the stage was so advanced and neither could I. No food or lifestyle change would have made a difference once it spread so vastly. There wasn't a soul that shared that knowledge quickly after he was diagnosed, and frankly I was just grasping at hope that he could survive it. Even an honest exchange of information would have fallen on my deaf ears, I was so desperate to save him. We may have only have bought him a week or more.
I'm making dinners for one though I visit with people often. I thinks it is better to keep those doors open but I do close them when I need to cry and be with my thoughts and his memories. He will never be forgotten and I'm still negotiating with him even though I know he can't return. His love is always with me and my love for him will be eternal.
A cheeky grin, a warm touch and that smile that could fill a room when he relaxed will be with me forever. He challenged me on many levels but it was never a battle, simply an exchange between friends that could be met with words of encouragement if it ever got heated.
No matter where I go from here, I know my husband was my best friend and regardless of his past, he loved me best and stuck with me no matter how hard things got.
2019 - I'm hoping it's a good year. I'll post as I can.
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